numb.

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind. Just a plain-old-fashioned-stay-in-bed bad day. I’ve had a few myself. The days where I feel like the lost lover in Song of Songs who proclaims:

     ‘I must arise now and go about the city;
     In the streets and in the squares
     I must seek him whom my soul loves.’
     I sought him but did not find him.

This is my description and response to one of those days…I find great courage, hope and love in the fact that despite my feelings I can know the presence of God.

———————

I feel heavy – soaking wet, dripping off me the miserable existence of continuing in a direction, going nowhere.

Why? Where? What can I do to change the mind-numbing noise of my own thoughts? It’s all I can do to make this pen move and draw the words out of my soul. A mighty scream from every orifice might suffice or be more precise.

I’m hurt – I’m hurting – not sure of what is going on inside of me. Flashing moments, flipping channels through the ups and downs, yeahs and nays, dreams, desires, failures and flops.

Am I a disappointment to my self?

What do I want?
What do I care?

Slowly some dark shadow creeps over me, consuming the bright parts of my soul. I’m still here, buried beneath the weeping lies of gnarled teeth and weak knees.

I fall.
Slowly – penitent.
Knowing the only way forward is down – deep into the depths of obedience.

Does pain come out or force its way in?
Is that even a question?

Numb legs.
No reason to keep moving forward.
Numb eyes.
No hope and nothing to see.
Numb ears.
No truth, or worse – lies disguised.
Numb arms.
No way to stay alive.
Numb mouth.
Nothing to say.
Smell is alive.

Whatever, whyever – I can smell the sweat of the long day behind me,
the sweet of the long night ahead,
the simplicity of a place to be and dwell…

…always in the presence of the Lord.

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